Since 4 am today, I have been awake. Running all of my personal calamities and to-do’s in my head. It was not that I meant to just wake up from my covetous sleep and decide to start worrying. It (worry) just turned on. So, thankfully, I am getting older and more mature (subjectively) to notice that NUMBER #1- It is the New Moon and Number #2, things are just hard, for everybody from time to time.
So, I started praying the Lord’s Prayer. By the time I got to “give us this day our daily bread”, my “self” eased just a bit and I noticed it eased, so I kept going. I repeated it at least six times and then when the hellish alarm finally did go off, I decided to write FIRST today. My eyes are still crusty and my hot coffee is still hot and untouched, but I must do this.
In between praying for Peace in the Lord’s Prayer, I had a reminder pop in of the scene in Sweet Home Alabama, The Movie with Reece Witherspoon. It was the scene at the alter when Melanie Smooter wanted so much to marry that hot doggy Senator’s son, but she just could not do it.
Melanie’s heart was frozen in fear knowing she had not yet let Jake go and she could not say the “I Do’s” to this lovely man. But the crux of the scene was when the Senator’s son says ” So this is what it feels like?”
What he meant was that in his patience and self control, he realized that heartbreak was so intense, that he just had to regain his composure, understand his emotion shock and loss, and just humbly and GRACEFULLY, accept it. AND HE DID NOT JUDGE MELANIE. Not even for one moment. (However, the Senator decided she was going to fly off the handle and start calling them all names and she said to Mel’s mama, to “Go back to your double wide and fry something why don’t you?” (quote is close I think….). That did it! Melanie just hauled off and punched that b-au-tch right in the mouth. Amen.
So, why in the middle of my desperate plea to God to help me stop with this anxiety and see this in my mind? Because, I know what the handsome fella meant when he said, “So this is what this feels like?”
Pain. Fear. Anxiety. Running your ghostly conversation in your head which you created, to say “you did not do enough” or running your minds’ fat mouth, recalling all your spousal fighting over and over, knowing you are both a victim and a villain in the choices of life you made.
But with all due respect, holding your head up and gracefully taking the punch in the mouth of life can be quite enlightening.
If anyone thinkith that someone can portray themselves ignorant to the fact that suffering is inevitable and how we react to it is decidable.
AND NO, I am not always so upbeat and outgoing as the world may see behind my closed doors. It takes ALOT of Maybelline and Covergirl to hide the swelling from crying all night. But I assure you there will be few if any times, people will see me break. Only a few and those are the ones I hold closest to my soul with a soul contract.
But what I AM, AM, is Resilient. I am brilliant in God and with God. I am loving and caring of mankind even when I act like the Senator or Mel when she jacked up her jaw! So, Satan, step off! Self- Destruction, back up your beeping’ bus and get off my cloud. I rebuke and refuse to allow my worry and fear of losing things, destroy my ultimate honor. I release the lies of which I told myself that I could have done more or that I should have not made this or that choice.
Sometimes, in the blink of an eye, we make a quick change in action. Melanie did it. She knew she had to follow her heart. It hurt her be-wedded terribly but it gave her her true identity back. And THEN, not only did Melanie, excel in being herself, her business grew, Jake’s Glass Blowing Business became world known and they lived, Happily Ever After.