Don’t you hate when you have one of those days where your emotions have a wreck. The kind where you start to take a step back into your past to figure out where this long term problem came from. The damnedest thing is that it most likely stems from another lifetime so I cannot do anything but grin and bear it. Grin and Bear it. Ugh. My Poor little Cancer Moon, Scorpio Sun heart has just been tagged as just plain doubly emotional.
I did not realize until a few months ago that I was a Cancer moon. For some reason, I thought I had a Leo Moon sign because I was so tenacious at acting on things quickly, but no. I am a Cancer Moon. Double water signs make for one splash of a mess when you have to cry. It is really not easy to control simple emotions when you are this way. Ultimately, I would not change it for the world only because I am blessed to “see” what others cannot. I see good and I see bad and I have to make my own personal “good or bad” choices when I feel I have been wronged! That word, feel. When I feel like someone has hurt me, did they really? I guess that depends on whose side of the fence you are on. That is just a side note here however for future ref……..
Well, today, I decided the best method for healing was to take a drive. A loooong drive. I decided to retrace my steps in the city. I decided to drive as fast as I could legally go right to the south end and make a lap around all the places I had left my energy. I needed to remember that I once did this. Or that I once held that so dear.
I drove down past Valley Station and Fairdale. I drove up St. Andrews and over past Iroquois Park. Then I lapped down Old Third, Palatka and Taylor and Hazelwood Ave. I blew a kiss to my past memories of living in the green trailer across the street from Iroquois High School. And I mourned for the fact that my grandfather lived about 500 feet from me and he died without my saying Hi more than twice while I lived there as an adult. (Or what was supposed to be considered an adult.) He was a little “tied” up when I tried to visit. But what I choose to recall in that is that I know that he loved me. Even though he could not spend ANY quality time with me, He Loved Me. I remember seeing it in his eyes when I did see him. My fondest memory of Wanga, was when my mom decided to take me for a visit after my parents divorced. I sat in the floor of his trailer (yes, on Taylor Blvd) and he gave me a few toys. I remember sitting in his floor tracing the green lines in his carpet and feeling, safe. Then I lapped down Old Third, Palatka and Tayor. And as I turned next two the 3rd Precenct I made my way, slowly, to Parthenia. Well, here it is.
My childhood house. FOR SALE. I have longed to buy that house back. Even in it’s poor state with an unkempt yard and tall trees with broken branches taller than I ever remember. I got out. I walked all around the house and the yard and I stood in the most surreal place that I have felt in a long time. All of my precious childhood memories were buried so far beneath the tiny, changed house, I felt like I had just experienced death more than life. I even started to wonder if my moment in time was real. It was almost ironic to be sitting right here in my car, staring at my little broken house and in that very moment, receive a text from my sister to ask if I was ok. Now granted, she lives in the area so maybe, just maybe she saw me driving around. But, even if not, it was a kick in the gut to get out of the car and just feel, what I feel. At the point I thought I would break down and cry uncontrollably, I saw this cute little girl walking down the side walk alone. She reminded me, that that WAS me 30 years before. I could not bear to cry so I l just left. I found the house on Craig that I lived in for about 2 years after I was born and then I parked Matilda in the back of Jacob. That poor building. To me, it is a castle and if I knew I would have not been arrested or mugged, I think I would have walked through the hole in the fence and went into the broken window. I picked up some vibes from that place that were screaming to be let out. Old memories crying to be heard. The Character of the building must feel much like the solemn way that Nehemiah felt when he had rebuild his city of ruins.
I think I drove back up Carlise and Woodruff in still time. By the time I exited over my the strip club I wondered what it would have been like, had I stayed there. But I did not. And the magnitude of change in 30 years was a rude awakening for me. I must live in a bubble. Maybe not, but when I had to squint and take deep breaths looking for that little girl I left behind, it hurt.
People think I am really over the top in how I “do” life but I do not think so. Not when I can made the journey down memory lane to find emotional healing. This adventure had a purpose and as long as the car was moving, I felt, safe.
This month I will be fasting Facebook. I am a little scared to do it. I mean, the world is going to go on without me on there and I will miss so much information that I have access too. Everyone can just reach out and poke people anytime they want. And truly, I don’t think there is anything we can do to fight unwanted Pokes. Fine. Then I am going to work with my Holy Angels for 28 days so that they can teach me to be sure I take time to look around the real world if I am going to endure a technological poking……
Pray for me as I pray for you. My days are mostly filled with MASSIVE joy and on the slight occasion I have a bad day, I may write about it, but I assure you, it has not destroyed me.
And any female double water sign in perfect control, is a force to be reckoned with so any Evil Spirits need to back off! Just saying…..:)
P.S.-If anyone wants to by my house back for me feel free. I would appreciate it. I think it has much potential for someone……….It did for me.